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I don’t remember where I saw this quote or even when, but it struck me and I added it to a daily reminder on my phone that now pops open every day at noon. I have a few of these throughout the day that help me pause and reflect on why I am here. Good Reads attributes the quote to Mel Robbins and since I follow Mel quite a bit, that might be right.
My mountain was overcoming the effects of not only childhood sexual abuse, but also the shame and guilt I brought upon myself. I sometimes wonder why I want to write and speak about what happened to me. Most who’ve had similar experiences want to close the door on that part of their life. I’ve gone through thoughts that I am just looking for attention or seeking validation from others. I’ve been known as an over-sharer in the past and maybe this is more of the same. But that doesn’t feel right. I have always felt like there was something more.
What I have come to believe is that I have always wanted others to know my story, but the reasons have evolved. Early on, I wanted someone to know and help me. Then I wanted people to understand my choices. Now, I just want people to know they are not alone, and there are people who care.
If you ask me how I moved this mountain, it would be hard to pinpoint any one thing. I have somehow always believed that I would do something meaningful with my life. I kept getting up when life knocked me down. I made mistakes, lots and lots of mistakes and then eventually, slowly, I learned from them. I took an interest in figuring out why people are the way they are and then turned that knowledge inwards to figure out why I was the way I was. I accepted my imperfections, and there are many. I shared those imperfections with others, a little at a time, testing the waters of vulnerability, until I was okay with being myself at home and in public. I was never a ‘jump in the deep end of the pool’ kind of person, but rather would step, slowly and almost painfully down the steps into the cold water, each step harder than the last, until I was fully immersed. Now as I immerse myself in the public forum and tell my story, I wonder, and occasionally worry, where this journey will take me. However, I walk this path knowing that I have supports from the people I have chosen to have in my life and more importantly, I have confidence in my abilities to get through whatever this world throws at me.
Perhaps it is age, or experience that has helped me get to a point where I’m less concerned with what others think of me and more concerned with helping the few that my message may reach. If one person reads my book and comes away knowing there is hope, when they feel hopeless, that there is happiness, when they feel only sadness, and that there is love when they have only felt used, the time, the tears and the vulnerability of writing my story will have been worth it.
Originally posted on Medium on 2/27/21